Mac, whom I spoke rarely of (and possibly not by name), and I are no longer friends. It was an escalation of drama from the beginning (or perhaps the opposite of 'escalation', since it was never really going in a good way. Don't take that wrong, Diary - there were good times, and I can certainly identify the reasons that we were in each others lives (as everything happens for a reason) - but it was never going the way we had thought it might, and he had truly hoped it would. At least I was honest about the slim chances of that happening.

A week or so ago I told Michael that I am done with whatever that thing we had. It was a very emotional long distance... thing. It was emotion and words... but with little backing to either... there was no real foundation or structure, and I wasn't given enough to work with. I wouldn't call it a relationship - but it was not exactly less than that either. What do you call something that is neither relationship or non-relationship? Regardless - I told him that I was no longer going to continue with it. I've said that a few times before, but he is resilient and usually talked me down easily... but this time, I am serious. It is just too much for me to handle - and certainly, Diary, you know what I am talking about. I've written about my struggles with that quite a few times. I am not emotionally strong enough to be the girl that he needs, and he is not emotionally open enough to be the man that I need. Throw in the distance, and all of the other things I've mentioned time and time again, and it all adds up to the same ending - which is ending. I've never been necessarily proud of my weakness when it comes to fighting - but I definitely held out and held my own for as long as I could. So, I believe that chapter is closed. I am not sure what else to really say about it now.

The Boy and I (as I said in the beginning of this entry) are talking daily, and even calling each other (gasp!). It is completely refreshing to hear his voice... especially knowing that once he goes to Japan, we won't be able to speak often (if at all). Our lines of communication will be much more limited - so we try to speak often (and text most of the day, as well). I'm going to see what happens here - but we are both fully aware that two years is a long time, and that going through it as 'just friends' may be easier than going through it as 'looking for more afterward'.

I see that look you are giving me, Diary - that 'you just ended a long distance thing with Michael because you are incapable of dealing with such things, and now you are talking as if you are beginning another' - and you are correct for doing so with the prior information. There are similarities between the two situations, Diary - but there are also differences. Michael and I had no real foundation, and no real time spent together with the intent of becoming more than just friends. The Boy and I spent nearly a month with the intent of getting to know each other better, and exploring how a relationship could be (if it works out, of course). We spent nearly a month getting to know each other inside and out, learning quirks and pet peeves, and how to work around each other (as I am not so easy to be with, given my bipolar tendencies and general grouchiness). So much happened in the time that I was in Virginia that I can not even write to you about, Diary, because I don't have the words to do so (my humble vocabulary would cheapen how completely amazing he was to me, and for me). Perhaps in time I will find the proper words... but not now, not yet.

Hope. Hope is what he gave to me. The beauty of silence. The drive to conquer patience. He gave me something worth working for, and (to be completely cliche and steal lyrics from Poison) he gave me something to believe in. So I am going to try - I make no promises, but I will try. That is all I can really offer, anyway. Besides - I would have to be either very stupid or very horrible to just let a guy like him get away. Even if things go nowhere - I have to try. He is not the kind to just let go.

Another small pleasure he gave me while I was in Virginia was the comfort in living without drama. I didn't realize it until returning to Tampa - but time with him was the most relaxing that I have had in some time. There was drama - but it did not involve us. Returning to Tampa (as I had predicted) brought some drama (in the form of Mac), and instead of just going with it and enduring (because sometimes standing against it just creates more), I realized just how much I enjoyed the drama-free time with The Boy. So I stopped. I let it go. Instead of giving in (which would have been the easy route) and having to deal with more and more - I ended it. It feels good to reduce drama.

There is still work stress (of course) - I'll be on swing shift (3pm - Midnight) for the next two weeks, then off to GA for leadership development training for two weeks. Then I will be back in Tampa again - and The Boy may come visit (or I may go visit him) before he goes to Japan (which I though was just about mid-September, but is actually later in the month - which is awesome). I am not going to get to take leave until I am back from GA - which completely upsets me. I am just not ready for this office or the politics. I am not ready to be back into the nutroll that seems to envelope my professional life.

I am making plans for the future. They will need to be adjusted a little bit here and there... but I think it will all work out. I've got the general idea of what I am going for, and ample support from the one I need it most from.

I am a happy girl, Diary. And it has been far too long since the last time I really felt this way, and meant it.

Life is about taking chances, right?

My car is still unreliable. I think in another month or so I should be able to make a down payment on something more reliable. And that will make my personal and professional life a lot better.

I am going to be getting internet in my apartment soon, I think. If I am going to be able to keep in touch with The Boy, I will need more reliable internet as well.

I am not the same party girl that I used to be... I've gone out Friday and Saturday, and been home between 11pm - midnight both nights - without being drunk. I blame the dayshift hours that I kept in VA for class - we'll see how I do while on swing shift. =)

I think it's time for one more slice of reheated pepperoni pizza (with extra cheese), and then to bed. I hope to wake up early enough to shave my legs tomorrow, and maybe cook up something to take to work for dinner. If I wake up around noon, I should be golden.

Sweet dreams.