.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 06 November 2009: This should be interesting. Insomnia kept me up until 7:30am. I woke with his alarm each time snooze went off - and when he kissed my cheek goodbye before heading to work. I might have fallen directly back to sleep if it hadn't been for the next few minutes of conversation, then opening and closing of doors. I am angry. Last weekend, and the beginning of this week, were spent rather upset. The last two days have been spent irrationally irate. I am not pleased. I am not pleased with actions or words - my own, or those of others. There is so much to say and it does not all lead in the same direction, and there is no real cohesive way to say it all. I'll try tonight, if I drink. That tends to help me care less about how it all comes out, as long as it comes out. I do not want this. I am a bridge-burner with sabotage on my mind. I have a bad feeling about this weekend, as alcohol will be consumed (the last time I wanted to spend a weekend sober, it upset a certain someone - and it's not a discussion I want to have this weekend, so I'll just drink). If I try, I can keep my hostilities and dissatisfaction to myself - but then I'll end up resentful. Bah. I most likely won't dream about Amanda again for a while, since the last dream I had a few days ago made it all clear. It was not cryptic at all - just a conversation in which I said everything that I should have said then, and everything I want to say now. When I woke up, I realized that was exactly why she was in my dreams - so I could say those things. I obviously can't say them now given her life and my life and the entire situation dating nearly back to high school (I suppose)... but. That's that. I need to finish cleaning so I can straighten my hair before it gets much later. We're supposedly having sushi tonight with his friends. It's odd how badly I've wanted to drink all week, but waited for today - and now here it is, and I just want to be angry and sleep. Blah. Blah and damn and blast. Fuck. It could just be PMS. Fucking fuck FUCK. That is all. -Lisa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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