.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30 October 2009: Teaser? Setting my narcissism aside for a moment, I will (again) bare the vulnerable side. The insecure side. This will not be the out-pour that is waiting patiently until I am a little bit more able to be a little bit more open - but it will take a little pressure off. I hate every word that I am about to say, because I feel ridiculously emo and/or annoying even when I just think them... but. You know. Diary, you catch all of my garbage. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that I am enough. I've said again and again that the more I care for someone, the more insecure I become. The more I feel, the less I believe in myself. It becomes almost overwhelming just to acknowledge that I deserve to be treated the way that he treats me, it becomes almost impossible to believe that I am enough to keep him. Sometimes it seems so completely ridiculous to think that I could be intelligent enough to follow conversation with him, or clever enough to spark his humor, or attractive enough to compete with any other girl he may be interested in at any given time. I see myself, on nights like tonight, and remind myself that it is completely impossible for anything in the previous paragraph to be true. I see myself on nights like tonight and wonder if he realizes how completely lucky he is that I am here, and that I am his. I know that he does understand that - he said just last weekend 'You could be anywhere' - and that told me that he knows what he has in me, and that he appreciates it. I know it isn't just my insecurity. I know it isn't just the fact that I've never really competed for anyone, or really had someone worth fighting for. I have found recently that I have some pretty serious trust issues. Given what I've dealt with in nearly all relationships (both official and assumed, based both on physical or emotional), it's not surprising - but it's a little surprising to me. I've always considered myself to be trusting, letting everyone start with a clean slate and make their own mistakes. I've tried to not hold my own past experiences against current interests, and hoped that they would do the same for me... but recently I've realized that I am not nearly as trusting as I thought. Lack of trust makes everything else make sense. Lack of trust leads to the insecurity and vulnerability. The three, acting as one (instead of individually, as I'd thought), is what makes me fall apart and make me cry when beautiful songs play, even though I am happy and being treated well. It's that trinity that makes me question everything that I feel, everything he says, and anything he could be doing when I am not around. It makes me do/say/feel/think these things that I hate, because I know that they are senseless. I know that they are (or, at least, I hope that they are) unwarranted. I know that I have trust issues, but I try to trust him. He's already proven in one instance that I don't need to worry: While we were both drunk at a party, after I told him to put me to bed to pass out (I hadn't slept in over 24hrs and was drinking heavily), apparently some other girl followed him into a bathroom and tried to kiss him, and he did not kiss her. Finding that out, in fact, is what made me realize I have trust issues. I had been so mad the night before, while I was laying down, because I didn't know what was going on outside - but I had an idea of what could have been... and I didn't know how he would act/interact. Of course, I am relieved to know the truth, but it opened my eyes to my lack of trust. I need to let go of that. I need to find my security. I need to find my trust in him. I need to reign my vulnerability and keep it in check. If I do not figure out how to do that, I will not be able to accept that he will be friends with her. I am fine with his relationship with his ex-wife. I am fine with his relationships with ex-girlfriends and/or flings. I am fine with his relationships with past (and, in some cases current) emotional attachments. Except her. He knows this, of course. I've drunkenly brought it up more than once. I think that she represents, to me, my main competition. He cared for us both, but I was the one who was moving across the country to his state in order to be closer to family, and to eventually find a college in his town. I feel, when afflicted by the previously-mentioned trinity, as though I am only his by default, that I 'won' because it was only me who came here - and that if she had as well, that I would not be sitting in his bedroom right now writing this entry. It's ridiculous. Admittedly, I am not used to dealing with this. I am used to dating somewhat below what I know I deserve and can have, simply because it makes it easier to trust someone who I think would have a hard time securing someone better than me. With him, I know that he could have better than me. Easily. I am used to walking away from relationships and burning bridges when things get difficult, because I always knew that if it didn't work out, I could do better. With him, I want to work through whatever comes. I want to face it all and overcome it all. I want to look back someday and say (if only to myself) "I CAN do this, because I have already." I'm facing these issues and dealing with all of this for, basically, the first time. These frustrations are sure to come up, right? Blah. Enough of that for now. Moving on. I would do anything to spite the Atlantic. I am moving my focus from this rubbish to vodka. -Lisa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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