.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 21 July 2009: Six years seems so long, yet so short. I will eventually update my layout to reflect that I am no longer in Tampa, or the Active Duty Army. Arizona is hot and beautiful. The trip went fairly quickly, and I'll write about that eventually too. Meeting with Doug has gone very well, I think (considering I've been here since Thursday...) - and I like spending time with him. I'll write about that eventually, as well. There was really only one thing that I wanted to write about right now, so I'll get to it. Sunday, July 19th, was the six year mark of the rape. I did not mention it to anyone, the day of. I have not mentioned it to anyone since. I did not have the nightmares leading up to the yearly mark. I did not have the flashbacks. I did not hear his voice or remember his face. I did not freeze up. I did not feel his hands on my body, not even my wrists. I did not feel his eyes on me, or cry. I did not break this year. I survived this year. Every year, since it happened in '03, I have completely fallen apart - but this year, finally, six years later, I stayed together. I even had sex... and I didn't come undone. Finally. Six years later. I know, of course, that although it is a huge milestone for me, that from time to time it will resurface... but, this year, I made it. I did not lean on anyone (or anything, including vodka) for support. I did not mention it, just for the empowerment of acknowledging that it had happened and that I had overcome another year. I did not flounder under the weight of it. I did not flail. I stood my ground, internally and externally, acknowledged to myself and myself alone the significance, and made it through. This year, I have won. This year, I have closure in the form of victory. This year, I have done very well. That is really all that I wanted to say right now. I am very proud of myself, not just for coming this far, but for this.very.year. For keeping myself together. For finally achieving that which, for six years, I've been saying that I would - to make it through the yearly mark without coming undone. The first few years, I still considered myself a victim. Then I considered myself an endurer. This year, finally, I am a survivor. I am victorious. I am extant. That fact makes me so proud and happy that I might cry after all... but finally for the right reason. I finally love life again, for the moment at least - and it feels amazing. -Lisa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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