.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 21 May 2009: Note to Self: For when I am weak. Optimism. Optimism in spite of all of that which is acting against me, tangible and not. Optimism in beating my past. Optimism in beating my present. And, if need be, optimism in the future and the things I may or may not face. Optimism. Maybe it goes beyond that... maybe it is not just my optimism, but my hope. Hope that I have overcome my past, the way I say that I have. Hope that I can make it through my present, and the challenges it gives me. Hope that I will have the strength and patience to deal with the future, and what it will bring. Hope in myself, hope in others. Hope in life. It will take both. It will take hope and optimism... and I have both right now, and will continue this way. And when either (or both) falter, I will pretend. I will put on my strong-face and lean against my walls, and let life happen. Life, I suppose, will happen regardless - but I will remain resilient. I will remain positive - and when my own psyche waivers, I will seek support. I will maintain a good level of mental health, and I will not let myself fall back to those places that I go when I lose hope, when I submit to the pessimism. I will become all that I look up to. I will embody the traits of my heroes... and, when I am weak, I will fake it. Nothing can come to me that has not passed through God's hands, after all - so when it becomes too much, I will just ask Him for help... just like every time. I write here about the things that I want to make sure I remember - not just the events, but the thoughts and feelings during them, to make sure that when I look back, I can relearn the lessons (as needed). I don't write about some things that have been happening lately, in the past month or so, because I know that I will remember them. There are some things that have so affected my life that I will not forget. I don't need to write them out... which leads some people to believe that things are different in my life than they are. But that is okay... this diary, after all, is my sounding board. My notepad. The place where I can look back to past situations to avoid making the same mistake twice. THIS keeps me from repeating cycles. I like listening to him talk about things that I know nothing about. Baseball. Poker. Real estate. I love how he talks about things in his world, but in terms that I understand, without making me feel stupid or inferior. I really like it when I start to understand, so that he doesn't have to 'dumb' things down for me. I can't wait. And with that, I pour another drink and end this before it becomes an entry tainted by vodka. -Lisa. PS: I am a happy girl. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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