.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.)

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30 March 2009: So, yeah. *scowl*

I purposefully stayed away from Diaryland after work last night, although I wanted very much to come in to rant and rave. I'm glad I waited, because I really don't like my angry posts... I prefer to write here when I am at least somewhat balanced, so that I can be a little more rational about the things I say. Maybe being rational makes me less honest... but no one likes to listen to one person go on tirades ALL the time, right?

I found out last night that my terminal leave (ie: the time off that I've saved up for my last two months of my Army enlistment) has been denied - at least, in part. I requested it to start on the 14th of April, and it has only been approved starting on May 1st. It may just seem like two weeks, not that big of a deal - but it is a huge deal to me. I have saved this time off for a reason, and I am entitled to it. This is not like any other leave that I have taken or requested - for the fact that if that leave had been denied, I could just take it later. I cannot take this later - once I am out of the Army, it is gone. I think I would be less mad about it, honestly, if I had not been told the "justification" for why it was pushed back to a later starting date (it ends on the same day, regardless of when it starts, so it is not like I am getting a later end-date to match a later start date). I was told that the justification was our manning issues - which I had expected, in part. Our office does not really have enough people to cover our three shifts right now, and with so many of us leaving at around the same time, it is getting closer to going to a schedule that no one will like. I understand that, and that is partially why I offered to work every weekend (and Monday and Tuesday) until I leave - to help with the scheduling issues. However, the fact that this is my terminal leave, I do not think it is fair to have also had it "justified" denial for the other reason that I was told... which was "[Another Person] didn't take any terminal leave, and [Another Person] is only taking 30 days, and will be away from his family for a year once they leave here."

Fking.

I am neither of those people - I have saved this time specifically for this, and had already made plans for how to spend it. I earned these days off, and more - which I am going to be selling back to the Army anyway. I am entitled to these days off, and the fact that someone thought it was "justified" to deny me ANY of those days based on the amount of time others have used/are using is complete and total nonsense. It is completely unacceptable, by any means - and their supposed "justification" is so absurd that it needs something substantial to justify it.

When I was told that my terminal leave is not to start until May 1st, I asked "Well, where am I supposed to live for those two weeks, since my apartment lease is up on April 19th?" - something that I have made clear multiple times to my leadership, in both written and oral form. I also pointed out that I was not given transient housing when I was inprocessing to this base, so there is no doubt that I will be refused transient housing for outprocessing - and I made it very clear that I will NOT be extending my lease and paying for another month of rent here, just to work a few more weeks so that they don't have to go to 12hr shifts. My supervisor (who told me this news last night) said that he would talk to my officer (who denied my leave with that weak "justification"), and they would figure something out.

I am not okay with this, Diary. I am NOT okay with this at all. It is not just the fact that I will be sleeping on my neighbor's couch for two weeks, while still going to work. It is not just the fact that I will be working here for two weeks longer, which pushes back not only my plans, but the light at the end of the tunnel that I have been waiting for. It is not just the fact that I volunteer to work Christmas and Thanksgiving, in exchange for having New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day off (and still worked those holidays, too), and volunteered to work a ridiculous EVERY WEEKEND shift to help with the schedule issues until I leave - showing that I have given much time and cooperation, only to be spit upon now. It is all of these things, and more. It is this entire conglomeration of things that make me so livid that I think, for one of the rare times that I would say something to this level - I utterly loathe them. Usually, when I am mad about things like this, my anger is based more at the system of things, and not so much the people involved - because it is more the system than the people, anyway. This time, however, it is the people. It is the people involved basically screwing me over to put off the inevitable fact that they are going to have to make decisions about the schedule that they do not want to. I have given my time to this office. I have given my time to this service. I have given the last (nearly) seven years to my country, including a year in Korea, and two tours in Iraq (even if the second was only a few months, temporary duty). I have given myself to all of this, and I have earned this time off - and as I said earlier, I cannot take it later. My last day of service is June 12th, regardless of whether it starts tomorrow, next week, or next month. I find it completely unacceptable that they are trying to deny me any part of my leave, considering all the things I've mentioned.

Gah. I am so livid again. I'm starting to go off on a tirade, so I will stop this line of thought. I should find out tonight at work the official date that I am free to leave Tampa (so I will be able to talk to my apartment complex tomorrow, and set up the other travel/moving details from there). God, I am so irate.

Moving on.

I don't have a lot of time now (since I went off much longer on that than I had intended), so I'll just touch on this briefly...

...Michael and I spoke last night. If you don't know who he is, just skip back in the archives to about June or July of last year, and go backward from there. We spoke last night a few times and, I suppose, ironed out some of the discrepancies then led to ending our 'relationship'. He basically told me "his side", which I wish he had told me then - especially the times I told him I just needed him to be more open with me, and more communicative. I was very angry for a good portion of our talks last night, especially when he said that I lied about how strongly I felt for him then. I was very open with him during that entire situation, and only held back emotionally when I was afraid of pushing him away - and the way he would not speak to me (not vindictively, just in general) for days or a week or so just left me confused and uncertain about the whole thing. Basically, we are both currently open to communication and plan to keep in touch, and see what happens over the next few months. If our paths cross, so be it - and if they do not, we'll at least still be speaking.

I suppose to say anything else would push me over my available time - so I'll have to speak more on this another time. I need to finish getting ready for work so that I can go in and see exactly when my freedom will finally begin. Wish me luck, and strength - I'll need both in order to keep my bearing and bite my tongue. I have a feeling that all of the words that are pooling in my mind may come out, and if that happens there is a good chance that I will add "getting yelled at for speaking out of line" to the list of things that I will deal with.

Take care, and have a great day, Diary. =)

-Lisa.

PS: I AM SO FKING EXCITED ABOUT THIS SINGLE RELEASE! I am not sure if Diaryland will let me post it, since I am not hosting the image here... but if not, I'll upload it next time I update. If you love take-me-away music that touches your soul and says everything that you want to say (without using words or lyrics), then you will love this, too.

PSS: That is all.

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My Life... then and now.