.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 22 March 2009: Unexpected. I received a message from a close friend today (my beautiful mistress), saying that our mutual ex wants to get in touch with me (but, as she told him years ago, went through her first [which was incredibly smart, because if he does contact me, I'll be nicer knowing it was coming than the harsh reply I would have given if I was blindsided]). I just told her that it's all water under the bridge to me, and if it helps his conscience, I have no bad blood about then entire thing. It was years ago... late 2004/early 2005. I've already established closure on the entire situation. I also told her that I have nothing to say to him, nor do I care about anything he might have to say to me - but if it will make him feel better... go for it, but not to expect a response (or, at least, a nice response [hey - I said I would be nicER, not nice]). I suppose we'll see. I hadn't really thought about him in quite a while - over a year or two, at least, and even then it was probably just a random, passing thought. Honestly, I had basically forgotten all about him, and the entire situation. The close friend and I might have found common ground (instead of just being Myspace friends), but we've been supportive of each other through so much more... so I don't even think of him when I think of her, which is good, of course. Reading her message made me realize just how much I've let go of in the past few years without even thinking about it... these huge situations and heartbreaks in my life, and their memories passed without a thought. I guess when life seems to have lemons in full supply, you stop thinking about the older ones and let them go back into the earth. The more that I followed my random stream of consciousness, the more I realized that so much of my current contentment with the male population is through my friendship with Luke. He is not just my best friend - he is also the best man that I have ever known... always supportive, even when no one else is. Always honest, regardless of whether or not what he says may hurt my feelings. Always there - even when he is busy, he always seems to find time for me... both when I need it, and when I just want it. He proves through his actions and his words that he means the things that he says to me - which no man has ever done. He is loyal, compassionate, caring, and worries about me when I'm sick or having a bad day. He sees little things that remind him of me, and tells me about it. He sends me pictures of things that he knows I will love, or of things that he knows will make me laugh. He yells at me when I am being self destructive, intentionally or not. He tells me to eat more. He tells me to get more sleep. He learned how to play my favorite song, which he had never heard, and sent me a cover of it (even though he is firmly against covering songs). He mentioned me in the 'acknowledgments' on his band's single... which in itself is more amazing than words can describe - and that's not even taking into account that I am listed in fourth place... before their friends, families, and significant others. He is my best friend, and has been for the last four years - and these things I've mentioned (and so many more) not only firmly establish that fact, but also raises the bar for any man who might at any point want to be part of my life. I honestly believe that our friendship is the reason I have such high standards - it is no secret that I judge other men against him. This is the longest that I have ever gone without a man in my life, in one form of relationship or another... and it will take one hell of man to get into my life now. If Luke, who is an ocean away, with no way of getting into my bed or being more than just my best friend, can treat me so amazingly - then I refuse to settle for a relationship of any sort with a man who can have me, but doesn't treat me the same, or better, than Luke does. I've had both friends and lovers tell me that they could never compare to him - and I've agreed with them. He may set the standard that has kept me single for this long - but he is also the only person who gives me hope in men. If he is out there, existing - then certainly there has to be someone else like him, without the geographical separation (and without a girlfriend). So, to the men that have wronged me in the past? You can thank Luke for giving me the strength to forgive you. Moving on. I was feeling better for a few days... but am getting worse again. I've been somewhat narcoleptic lately (I think due to my medicine), but my sleep is broken and restless (I think due to my medicine, as well). Today I had (and still have) an outstanding migraine... and as soon as I finish this up, I will go lay down for a bit (unless I miraculously feel better... then I might stay up for a little bit and then go to sleep). I really should cook something to take into work tomorrow evening - but with the way my stomach is feeling again, I don't trust food (and I don't know how to cook without using garlic and spices, which my stomach definitely won't handle right now). I will check back with the non-military doctor to see if I can get an appointment yet for my stomach-scope, and see how that goes. It's been nearly a month of this... and I am tired of it. I'm just glad that I started going to the doctor when it started, instead of doing what I usually do and putting it off to see if it gets better. I heard through the grapevine that my leadership is considering denying my terminal leave - and I am not okay with that. I will fight that to the extent of my ability, and if they still don't approve it, they will have zero participation/productivity from me. I cannot talk to my apartment complex about ending my lease when it runs out until after I know what my leadership will do, though - since my leave is to start a week before the end of my lease. I also can't talk to the electric or internet company until I know... so I hope they figure out what they plan to do, so I can finish working out what I need to. Yeah, so... it's time for me to go take a sleeping pill and be done with today. Take care, ya'll! -Always- PS: I think that I have found a new inspiration to start writing again... in one of my dreams recently, I was holding a published book of my own poetry (which I have not really ever wanted, seriously - maybe just as a passing whim). It was titled 'to spite the atlantic' and had a picture of me, standing in the water, facing northeast. Now, all I really have to do is start with one word and let it all flow out. I won't actually try to have anything published... but I could use that to make my own person collection, I think. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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