.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 17 February 2009: "No Words Relate To Me" Well, today will be my first day back to work in two weeks. *sigh* To say that I am unimpressed, under stimulated, unhappy, irritable, slightly depressed, and overall unenthusiastic would be a bit of an understatement. That, of course, is sure to be no surprise - so I digress. I went to bed incredibly early last night - even for me. My sleep was long and deep, approximately 13 hours of dreams. I barely remember them, but what I remember of them was worst dreaming about. Sleeping from 9pm to nearly 10:30am? I'm for it. Especially when it means I am wide enough awake to talk to Luke a bit before having to get ready for work. =) That always makes my day. I suppose, to back track, that I am kind of looking forward to work - well, that might be worded wrong. I am optimistic about returning to work, and hoping that there will be actual work for me to do. I am sure that there will be a number of changes since I was there last (as our office rarely makes it more than three days without a change). I'm definitely hoping to have that surge of productivity that I started before taking leave to still be there, waiting for me. I will need to schedule another doctor's appointment soon. It's time for my annual ob/gyn checkup, renew my birth control, and make sure my parts are still in working order (you know, so they can clean out the cobwebs and whatnot). I also need to ask my new doctor (as I've received a letter saying that my last doctor has gone to a new duty station) about my scalp. The special shampoo did nothing at all to help, and my hair is starting to come out in clumps here and there. Not large clumps, not noticeable to anyone but me - but because I notice it and do not like it, I will need to ask about it. I think I wrote in here about that - about how my scalp started to produce a different kind of oil than it used to, and this oil builds up in clumps and is basically impossible to really break up. They do, however, come out of my hair (usually bringing the hair with it, hence the hair loss). So, I am thinking that either A) my last doctor was wrong about what it was, or B) there has to be another treatment. It's bothersome and annoying and makes me feel insecure. Talk about my skill for making a mountain out of a molehill. I sense a surge in drinking to be hitting me by tonight - as is the norm when work is involved. I drank so much less than I had predicted I would while I was off... I was so relaxed and calm, no pressures. Now that I will be back to work, I will most likely be returning to the one or two drinks after work to wind down. I cannot focus this morning, and am completely scattered. Usually I would try to make these entries comprehensive and fluid, but there is nothing but hit or miss here right now, and I'm not even explaining my stream of consciousness to help you figure out how I get from one to the other. I'm listening to "Autumn's Monologue" by From Autumn to Ashes. I usually listen more to the reply, "The Fiction We Live" by From Autumn to Ashes... because I, of course, prefer to hear men sing passionately words that I want to hear said to me... but somehow, for reasons obvious only to the two of, this song is really hitting home today. I am not okay with feeling like a backup friend. I am not okay with feeling like a backup girl, or a safety blanket. I am not okay with feeling as though people are comfortable in thinking 'Well, I'll see what is over here, since I know she'll still be there when I am done.' Not to say that it is happening - I just don't like feeling like it is happening. My hormones are still off balance. Luke says I need to find the ones who will put me on a pedestal... which limits me to (of the people I know) just Luke. Coincidentally. I'm emotional today. Switching to the reply. "I break in two over you..." I'll write again after work, perhaps (or in a few days - whatever). =) -Lisa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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