.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12 February 2009: Better late than never. As an anti-social socialite, I've taken to spending my evenings online (I've rekindled my high school friendship with Yahoo Messenger). It's nice getting to talk to old friends - catching up and whatnot (and since I hate talking on the phone, it's suits me). I even rediscovered chat rooms a while back, and have taken a liking to playing 'Internet Bar' - which is better, in fact, than real bars. I can talk to who I want to, and not to those I don't. In real bars, if someone hits on me or tries to talk to me when I have no interest in strangers, I have to play nice to remain socially graceful. Online, I can just click 'ignore' and I no longer see what they say. It's genius. Of course, the fact that I can buy a bottle of vodka (and be drunk for weeks) for the same price as three watered-down drinks at a bar makes it nice for my wallet as well (and I do love my dollars). So, until I find another way to abate my need for human interaction while still enjoying my solitude - that is what I will do. Of course, I still find myself surrounded (and sometimes involved in) the same levels of drama as I am becoming a hermit to avoid in real life - there are nights like tonight when I wonder what else there is to do. I don't have the energy to be productive, and it is too late to actually go out. I've already taken care of my webkin (and the site will be going down for maintenance soon, anyway). I'm left with an abused liver still trying to filter last night's vodka while tonight's piles on, sorting through thoughts and deciding which I'll favor tonight. He introduced me to poker. I was hesitant, of course, given my aversion to new things and my lack of skill in most things... but I gave it a try. I am letting him teach me. I play online (for pretend money, of course, as I love my dollars), and sometimes we play together - me asking advice, he kindly offering positive reinforcement and helping me guide my hands. I say that I am playing like a jerk, and he tells me I'm doing very well for just beginning. I'm a sucker for unconventional compliments. One of the benefits of my sister talking me out of moving to Pennsylvania and into moving back to Arizona is that it gives me the chance to actually play poker with him (he hosts Saturday Night poker tournaments). I look forward to it. It's an odd situation, in a way. We both say that we are 'just friends' (as we most certainly just are), but there are things he says sometimes that makes me wonder if that's all he wants (not necessarily right now, obviously, I mean down the road). This thought has been on my mind the last few days. When we became friends, we both made it clear that neither of us are looking for more than that - but now, after we know each other more, it seems that we are both somewhat open to the hypothetical-possibility (as I call it). I can't speak for him, but for me - it could just be that I don't keep many friends in my life, and consider very few people 'close' to me... so when I find someone that I really strike it off with and have a lot in common with, I cherish them. This has happened before, and it has led the other person to think that I wanted more - even though it was just my compassion and openness. I dote upon my closest friends, which can send mixed signals to those looking to pick up on them. So, I play this by ear. As with everything else in my life and near-future, I'll just see what happens. So - I wrote everything above last night. I had thought that I posted it, but realized when I woke up this morning (evening) that I did not. While typing it out, I received a phone call and continued drinking, and apparently had tunnel vision afterward... completely forgetting about this. Ah, well. Carrying on... I think that my social anxiety is becoming something that I need to keep a closer eye on. I know I wrote about an incident in '07 (early in the year) that involved passing out (and I thought was something with my heart) - and I think I wrote that after a few more incidents through out the year I did finally go to the doctor about it. They had me wear a heart monitor for 24 hours, and said the results looked fine - mentioning that the incidents could have just been anxiety/panic attacks (which is completely possible, as social anxiety and nervousness in groups has been one of the most prominent side-effects of the rape). It will be six years this July, and that anxiety is still with me. I consider it good that there are so few remaining negatives relating to that in my life - but given my love for the public before and my hesitance now, I am not a fan of it. I'd always kind of worked through the anxiety - pretended it didn't exist, went out in spite of it, etc... but I suppose my body can only hold so much in (which is why there were those incidents in which it overwhelmed me like it did). I knew that I had become somewhat jaded by the social scene here - instead of going to other bars and clubs when my friends wanted to, I started ONLY going to the two that I enjoy. When I became tired of the yuppies and jerks, I started staying in 99% of the time. I think that it could also be part of my social anxiety... I don't want to be around strangers (because I don't like them very much), and I don't like being in crowds (because I become uncomfortable). Lately, however, I've become very resistant to doing anything that requires leaving the apartment... and I've started to wonder (or worry) that my general social anxiety could lead into agoraphobia. It wouldn't be too outlandish to think it possible, considering I can see the signs starting already - and that is what led me to think it might be time to start monitoring it, and to start trying to work through it again. To push myself to be more social - at least a little bit. The last thing I want is for my love for being a hermit to turn into something out of my control. I return to work next week (the last two weeks off have been AMAZING, and exactly what I needed) - and I am not looking forward to it. I reached the point (sometime early last year, I think) of no return, basically. I am ready to move on, do new things, see new places. The last month or so of determining more of the specifics of that plan has really set me on 'Go'. I'm excited to move to Arizona - I'm ecstatic to be getting out of the military and trying new things. I am looking forward to college, to culinary arts, to new faces and (hopefully) a glorious fresh start. By being so excited about it now, when I won't be moving for a few more months, it makes it so hard to focus at work. It's so much harder to push through the drama and politics at work, knowing that an entirely new life is waiting for me this summer. I'm becoming more disgruntled about waking up and going to work, less patient with those I work with, and less satisfied with my job. Don't get me wrong - the last 6.5 years of military service have been the most proudest moments of my life. I will never have a job that feels THIS important to me... but I am ready. I feel that I have put in my time (including two trips to Iraq), and that I am ready to pass the torch. I am ready to start living my life as an American, not an American Soldier. I am ready to start taking advantage of the rights and freedoms which I have defended loyally and without question since graduating high school. I am ready to be less limited. I am ready to go into public and know that I am only representing myself - and to see how it feels to, for the first time since I became self-aware, just be 'me'. I take my service very seriously, so when I have gone out (socially or for general errands), I've kept in mind that I am a service member - and therefore represent not just myself, but my unit, my country, and the military. I've taken steps to conduct myself appropriately due to that. I do not think that I will go all out and cause a huge scene when I am out of the service - but I will greatly appreciate the freedom (even if it is just known to me). There are other things that I am looking forward to being able to do - but I am still enlisted, and do not want to get too ahead of myself. I've been saying the entire time that I have been off that I need to clean - and I KNOW that I need to... but (again), maybe tomorrow. My cluttered kitchen keeps me from cooking (because I know I'll start cleaning instead, and not want to cook anyway). I really do want to make those crab legs and mussels, though... so I will clean no later than this weekend. I've never made crab legs or mussels (my seafood cooking experience up until now has been primarily salmon, shrimp, and scallops) - but I've been craving them. Since I couldn't find any restaurants nearby that serve decent seafood (like I found at Virginia Beach), I opted to just make my own. I am hoping for the best, and will let ya'll know once it finally happens. Actually, I haven't done anything that I had planned to during my time off - with the exception of sleeping massive amounts. I have been having insane dreams lately, too - none of which I will go into, but take my word for it. They have been bizarre. I don't know what random thoughts or ideas have been bouncing around in my mind to create these things... and I think it might be better that way. I am just glad I generally don't remember all of the details. It's time for me to get something to eat and take a shower. I do not plan to drink tonight (since I didn't stop until 10am today) - but I do need to get myself cleaned up a bit, at least. Take care, ya'll. =) -Lisa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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