.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13 February 2009: ...because sometimes I just talk a lot. My sister and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago about early morning infomercials (after having a long day and late night), and the 'crazy logic' that convinces us that we need those random things. She mentioned that she actually has ordered one product (not from the infomercial, but she found it on Amazon for cheaper)- the easy combs, or whatever. They look super pretty and seem to be a fast and easy way to pull your hair back. I've seen the commercials for them, and also wanted them. I was a little jealous that I hadn't thought to look them up myself. I checked the mail today (twice in one week - that's a record for me) to make sure no belated birthday cards were not missed (and there were two)... and there was a small package from my grandmother. I opened it up and was so amazingly surprised and excited - she sent me the easy combs. She had no idea that I wanted them, and I have no idea why she though I might want them - but it was a godsend. So, I will try them tonight. I woke up early (9:30am), and eventually started cleaning. I ran the dishwasher, hand washed what wouldn't fit, and cleaned the kitchen and dining room (and living room). I think that I am done with cleaning for the day - I'll tackle the bathroom and bedroom tomorrow (which will give me the energy to finally clean my closet) and start laundry. I'm thinking that I will be going out tonight, so I want to start getting ready soon (even though it is only 3pm, I want to be leaving here by 7pm - and still have to eat lunch and dinner, as well as take a shower and make myself glamorous). I was listening to his slow rock playlist while I cleaned. My monthly cycle is on it's way out, so I'm getting the backlash of emotional instability. Yesterday I nearly cried three times - for no reason. Today I'm feeling stronger, but I can feel that vulnerability. This feeling won't pass until I let it out. Maybe I'll put 'Forever Young' on repeat until I feel better (that song makes me cry every time - my Dad told me once that it is a father's song to his daughter, so I always imagine him singing it to me). My father is one of my heroes. So much of my personality and the way I think came from him - and he has always been my biggest supporter. I know that I can call him any day angry or crying, and talk about serious or frivolous things - and he will talk to me with his calm, steady voice and reassure me. I know that I can do the same with my sister and aunt - but I've always been a Daddy's Girl, and I've always tried to live my life and make choices in ways that would make him proud of me. In fact, I could die happily today knowing that he is proud of me. I remember one time vividly, when I was young and had an insane crush on this boy at school. I'd talked to Dad about him before, and this particular time I was crying because I had just found out that he had a girlfriend. Mind you, I was incredibly awkward and insecure when I was younger (not the confident, lovely, narcissist you see in the lower corner of this page) - and I was devastated by yet another feeling of rejection. I was crying hard, most likely babbling about not being good enough, etc - and my dad, who is calm and collected when dealing with my issues, interrupted me mid-wail. He didn't just interrupt - he yelled at me. I don't remember the exact things he said before or after this sentence, but this one sentence in this one situation has stayed with me every day since then. I can still hear the passion and frustration in his voice, as he told me (his younger of two daughters), "Lisa. You sell yourself too goddamn short." Looking back, he was entirely correct. I was not a beautiful child, but I was not the gremlin I saw myself to be. If I had just had more confidence then, there would have been no problems (and I wouldn't have cared that I didn't have dates or boyfriends from my own school). That moment is similar to one that I had with my Momma, too. It was also after the divorce, but before I moved to a new school (and knew the above mentioned boy). For this instance, I had a crush on a boy from Sunday School, and had found out that he had a girlfriend. I was crying hard, most likely babbling about not being good enough - when Mom (who had been holding me) grabbed my shoulders so she could look into my eyes and said, "Lisa, you ARE beautiful. You are a very beautiful girl!" I never really appreciated my parents words at the time, because I was young and believed nothing that was not supported by my friends and school life. I had no dates, few boyfriends, and never boyfriends from my school (except my first boyfriend, in 5th grade). I blame my insecurity - but I had no idea how to be secure. Now, when I feel insecure, I listen to 80's rock and style my hair and extra make up - and some perfect outfit that turns heads. At the time, I had no idea how to apply make up, or what to do with my hair, or any fashion sense whatsoever. I didn't know about the power of positive thought in my life, or how to believe in myself when no one else does. I didn't know how to look in the mirror, through the tears, and still see a bright, witty, intelligent, lovely girl staring back at me. I didn't know at that time, that nothing that happened then would matter now. I consider myself lucky that my terrible memory has still held on to those two moments. I consider myself lucky that even if I didn't agree at the time, I can appreciate so much more the words my parents gave me. I hope that I remember those times always. I want to cook the crab legs and mussels that I bought... but I am still to afraid. I'm also a little nervous that I will be terrible in culinary school - I've only been cooking for about a year, and my best entrees are never by recipe. I see what I have, and make up the rest by taste. When I try to recreate something I've made, it never tastes the same twice (and I never write things down while I'm cooking). I am also hesitant to cook today because I just washed my dishes, and hate to start over again. Did I tell you about the amazing new recipe I came up with, though? The pineapple terryaki/Worcestershire sauce/brown sugar pot roast? The flavor was amazing, but the small cut was overcooked. I think I did mention that. I think that the taste rivaled my love of the lemon pepper/balsamic chicken that I make... and that is saying a lot. I am insecure today, it seems, about a lot of things. I think it's time to let my PMS tears out - then take a long bath and get myself glammed up for a night out. I don't plan to stay out long... but long enough. I hope to be home around midnight. My time off ends this weekend, and next week brings me back to work. I am not looking forward to this, and it depresses me. I think I have fully enjoyed my two weeks off, and know that I needed it even more than I had thought at first. I would not change one moment. Returning to work means the return of my frustration and impatience. Sad times. Enjoy your day. =) -Lisa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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