.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.)

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07 February 2009: Entries like this happen...

...because I can't sleep.

...because I might be angry, but I can't really tell.

...because I was drunk a few hours ago, but lost that feeling.

...because one of my main characters died, so the awesome run I was having on that level? Ended.

...because I don't have anyone to talk to in times like this.

...because there are people sleeping on my couch, and I have a hard time sleeping when people are in my space.

...because I planned on waking up in three hours and forty-seven minutes, making breakfast for the above mentioned people sleeping on my couch, and going to Gasparilla with my neighbor and her friends - and ending the evening with more Birthday Eve celebrations.

...because I keep trying to think of ways that my birthday (on Sunday) won't be tainted the same way that New Years was - but can't.

...because maybe it's not Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde again - it's just me.

...because it's 6am, and I actually want my phone to ring - and I don't even care who it is, because I just want to talk. To just hear anyone else say that they can't sleep either.

...because I don't talk to most of my friends - and even when I do, they don't always talk back... and I can't stand always having to initiate conversation.

...because I am a hermit, so I write here when I don't have anything to say (or at least when I don't actually want to say what I need to).

...because I am not stupid, and I notice when I am second fiddle.

...because I don't understand why some people can't just talk to me about some things, because it is their own things, and then expect me to go to them with mine.

...because I drink soda with my vodka, and the caffeine keeps me awake - but without it, I get migraines.

...because I don't have the balls to confront people.

...because I am, in fact, angry - now that I think about it. About a lot of things, none of which matter... all of which is internal (and is really just aimed at myself).

...because nearly six years later, and I haven't really let go - although I'm as recovered as possible.

...because it's 6am, and I feel like coffee and poetry would help - but I don't want to wake the people on my couch... even though they'll probably wake me before my alarm goes off.

...because sometimes my best isn't enough, and sometimes it's too much... and I don't know how to balance.

...because I really just want to get off, but tend to be a little loud and don't want to wake the people on my couch.

...because none of them said good night.

...because I have pms.

...because I hate this (did I say that already? I've been thinking it over and over the entire time).

...because I have a roast in my slow cooker, and I want to check on it - but can't (for the sleeping people I've already mentioned).

...because I can't interpret my feelings anymore and crying seems cheap.

...because I can't stop my mind from working, and even my daydreams can't help me focus lately.

...because I have just over one week of leave before I go back to work, and I don't WANT to go back to work.

...because I am afraid of having bizarre/scary dreams again tonight.

...because I know I will forgive all by this time tomorrow.

...because I know I will forget all by this time tomorrow.

...because I still can't sleep, even after getting all of that out.

...because I'm started to be hungunder - which is what happens when you start feeling like crap before going to sleep, unlike a hangover which comes after you sleep.

...because Minias and Jack the Ripper and Marcus and Nikolei and all the other daydream lovers and heroes that I have.

...because I think I am just at that over-emotional stage of pms, and I really need to be held. Or, at least, I really want to be.

...because I'm bitter.

...because if my phone rang, I would actually be angry - it wouldn't be one of the three people I would want it to be.

...because part of me just wants to stay up now, take a nap later, and meet up with my neighbors afterward.

...because there are people that I could talk to, but I don't want to talk to them.

...because eventually, if I type long enough, I am honest with myself.

...because not everything is about you - there are other people in my life, stop flattering yourself.

...because I've been too honest with a few people and maybe I wish I hadn't been.

...because maybe I should just make a video, because Luke would understand.

...because it's too late to take a sleeping pill, due to various reasons I've already said.

Entries like this happen because there is too much on my mind, and I can't sort it all out. I will try sleep again... and I hope that you are enjoyed beautiful sleep while I was typing this.

-Lisa.

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My Life... then and now.