.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 29 January 2009: Knowing my limit. I've been spending a lot of time looking at schools that I might like to attend. There are still so many details to be worked out... deciding on a few definite interests, keeping back ups in mind, contacting them to get answers to some questions... the most frustrating part of it all (at this point) is thinking that I have all the angles covered and all the questions lined up, and realizing that there is so much more that I hadn't thought of - which changes so much. I've been doing a decent amount of sleeping lately, too, and it's been wonders for my mood. It turns out that I am generally in better spirits when I am getting enough sleep. My stomach and intestines were not happy with me today, but I think they are calming down. Instead of going to the gym tonight, we went bowling. We met up with some other people from work, too - it was a pretty good time. I blatantly refused to bowl - but it went over well. I still cheered and took part in 'team building' - and only had two drinks. I stand by my resolve to not be intoxicated around coworkers, especially since I don't really hang out with them outside of work anymore. Actually, I spoke with one of the girls I used to spend a lot of time with, and I guess she's been somewhat hermit-y as well - we both notice that it minimizes drama and emphasizes self-awareness. It was a nice little chat. I should find out either today (Thursday) or tomorrow if my leave has been approved. I am hoping. I am praying. I could really use the time off to get a few things in line and finalized. I'm starting to plan how I want to pack this time, since my last move was somewhat poorly planned. I started out with good intentions, just never really followed through. It's just always so amazing to me to see how much I can amass between moves. When I moved into my old apartment, it was the first apartment I had ever moved into - I was used to having one room and a bathroom. Moving into this apartment was less of a shock, since I knew that I had and entire apartment full of belongings. This time, I thoroughly intend to get rid of some things (mostly clothing) before moving. I think it's also time to go through my 'collection' of random things I've ended up with in the last few years (and some that I've held on to for longer than that) and really get down to the basics. I'd like to use my leave to really clean out my apartment (closet and drawers, mainly) to help kick start that part. I had talk with a guy that I've been speaking to tonight. He explained a few things that made his actions understandable - and I explained a few things that made my frustration understandable. I think we are both better for it. I do not believe things will progress past friendship... but that is a lot better than the frustration we were both dealing with. I think, at most, we may have a date or two eventually - before I move. Our schedules don't exactly sync well. I'm a lot less angry than I was last week, and the week before. I'm letting go of so much, Diary - and it feels good. Things aren't getting to me as much, and when they do... I think I'm doing a good job of not letting it show. It's important to me that I don't leave myself exposed right now. That is the only way I can curb my vulnerability. It is important that I do not romanticize the past, and remember the reasons I've let go of other things. That way I don't fall into old habits. It does not feel like a new year. I do not have the new year optimism. The new year feeling of fresh starts and open opportunities. I think that moving will give me that feeling. I think that moving will set me free. I need new hobbies. I need to stop listening to music that I know will make me cry. I need to stop blaming music for my emotional unbalance. After, what? Four years of friendship? Luke still says the sweetest things that I have ever heard. They usually make me cry, too - because I know that he means them. The instrumentals he's written for me move me, because I know what he is saying through them. I told him last night that I wish, just once, someone would hold me in such high esteems as he has - for as long as he has. I love the way he edits my pictures, too - because he always brings out something in me that I thought only I saw. So many men have said to me, while I was theirs in some form or another, that they could never compete with him, or amount to what he means to me. I think they are correct. Although everyone starts with a clean slate with me, I do compare all potential dates/friends+/relationships against him - and one other friend. He shows me everything I've wanted in others, and the other? Keeps me at bay. I consider it my balance. Luke is, and always will be, my closest friend. My best friend. He will always have a special place in my heart. I've found that I have basically settled down, Diary, and I think it is because of the relationship with Chris. Before him, I wanted so much to have that overwhelming relationship. The beauty of silence. The comfort of two people emotionally wrapped in and around each other. I wanted it... but refused to look for it. Refused to let myself open up to it. I rejected actual relationships and settled for friends with benefits, because it was emotionally safer. Now I'm finding that I can't do that. I am not interested in men who are not looking for something more substantial. I am not interested in less than a relationship. I am not looking for someone to settle down with and/or marry - but I am not interested in even moving past dating with someone who I know will not amount to more than just a fling. I am nearly 25 years old (my birthday is February 8th) - I am done with fleeting fancies. I have a life, dreams, goals, standards. I am passionate, strong, vibrant, charismatic, witty, clever, vulnerable, soft, beautiful, intelligent, complex, emotional, crass, and (even with my flaws) basically too much of an amazing woman to waste myself or my time on men who only want me for one or two things. I deserve the best this world has to offer - in life and love - and I refuse to settle for less (even if it means that I will have to accept chastity for an undesirable amount of time). If I can accept that I am not the wild party girl that I used to be, I think I can accept pretty much anything. =) I'm sleepy and getting emotional. I'm going to go to sleep before I pour anything else out of my heart and/or soul that I probably don't need to. =) Sweet Dreams, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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