.oO(Sometimes I blur the edges.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 21 January 2009: This will only fail if he reads it (and calls me out). I wake up early on work days so I can take care of Heepo, the Webkinz (Lilkinz, to be exact) that Chris bought for me. He bought a Hippo for both of us, a big on for him and a small on for me - so that we could take care of them while he is away, like pets. At first I thought is was a ridiculous thing, obviously angled toward children and more of a chore to take care of daily than anything else. Even after the break up, I still take care of it. I've grown fairly attached, of course, as I have those 1940's desires to provide for my 'family' (even if my 'family' consists of myself, and now a small hippopotamus). I wake up over an hour and a half early for work, so that I can have time to take care of the daily activities and play a few games with it. Today they are upgrading their server, and I cannot log in right now. I will have to try to be home in time to take care of those things before midnight. Working the evening shift is the best for me, I think. The hours cater to the sleep cycles I've had since I was young - stay up late, and wake up well after the sun. Even in high school it was hard for me to keep a steady 'go to bed early, and wake up before the sun' sleep pattern. This shift also limits the amount of social interaction I can have, considering by the time I get home, there is no point in even going out - and nothing is open (as far as restaurants and shopping go). I like this shift, though... because it also caters to my hermit-tendencies. I am not around for my friends like I should be. I'm not being the person I should be, not doing the things I should do - because I prefer to just stay at home, cook, straighten things up, and drink. I can use all of my time to get to the root of who I am, find my glitches, and work them out. I can find a better understanding of myself. I am not bound by society's ideas of what is fashionable or beautiful. I can live in real life or in daydream. I do not have to deal with strangers talking to me (since I don't really like strangers), or hitting on me. I love living in my own little world, with minimal contact with people outside of it. There is less stress and less drama this way. It's more relaxing this way. Of course, I think that living in my little reduced-drama world adds to my apparently psychotic ways... but, that's just the way the scales work. Speaking of scales, I am gaining a little weight. I've been holding solid between 115lbs and 118lbs for about a week now. If I can keep 118lbs, and gain a few more, I might be able to reach 121lbs for my weigh-in after my PT test in February. That would be good - even though I know I am completely unable to keep it. I still drop to 112lbs some days, but try to keep a decent number of calories in my system, even if my body tries to burn them away at rapid paces. My metabolism is apparently too fast to counter my compulsive eating - but it will slow down someday, and then I'll most likely be upset about being over weight instead of underweight. Speaking of psychotic tendencies, I suppose I could explain a little bit. Sometimes I just care a little more than I should, I think. Sometimes I seem to become a little territorial, and competitive. Sometimes, when I am interested in someone, I become fairly insecure when I think about them, or talk to them, and somehow find all of the millions ways that I am 'not good enough', regardless of how much they say to the opposite. I begin wanting to be perfect, but no longer for myself - but to keep their interest (which I know is complete rubbish). I want to be taller. Thinner. More voluptuous. Sculpted hair and perfect face. Fashionable. Glamorous. Something like a supermodel, but as the girl next door. Then, when I feel as if I am failing - I get upset. I cry. I go on tirades. I over react. THAT is how I am psychotic. There is this perfect balance, when drinking vodka, for me - there is this line. I aim for the place where nothing can touch me, and I am social and happy. It's hard to get there, because it is narrowly between 'still upset about things' and 'extremely irrational' (meaning 'not intoxicated enough' and 'too intoxicated', respectively). I suppose all of that is neither here nor there. Touching briefly on my desire to be glamorous, I am completely addicted to 80's Glam and Rockstar Glam Styles. Meaning, of course, heavy makeup and huge hair. I posted pictures on Myspace from last weekend, when it all started. Now that I am back to work, with my hair pulled into a bun and 'normal' makeup on - I feel naked. It sounds silly, I know - but I became very fond of my voluminous hair and excessively painted eyes. I don't like to be high maintenance... but I think that extra time spent on my hair is going to become a thing of my current life, when I am not working that day/night. On a related note, I bought leg warmers and hair rollers last night from Amazon.com. I hope they arrive before Monday and Tuesday... because I am working this weekend, so I have Friday, Monday, and Tuesday off. For the vague reference, which I believe has become somewhat mandatory for my diary entries - I think I need to let go. I do not think I need (or want) to destroy the bridge, but I think I need to render it unusable for the time being, so I can just kind of watch it and monitor what happens. He said, during the falling out (which wasn't a falling out, as much as a seriously mishandled situation) that he would rather I be angry than indifferent - but now, as is the norm for me, I find myself hesitant and expecting it to happen again... I think I need to be indifferent. We are, after all, just friends. Although the hypothetical possibility of more would most likely be nice, since we are so much alike - I need to find the way to maintain the level of friendship we have without that hypothetical compassion coming into play. I think that my compassion is what makes my closest friendships, well, close. It is what allows me to open up and be the friend that I can be. I believe, though, in this case, that becoming somewhat indifferent would most likely be the better route. I don't want to be upset again, I don't want to be angry again, and I do not want to cry. I do not want to make the same mistake twice, as it were. On the same note, I do not want to let her win, because I am competitive at times - but ultimately, if he thinks that she is better than I am (or even if he is using her to distance himself from me) - then I should just let him. I am not sure how this will happen without losing the friendship... but I have to do something. I am tired of feeling inadequate, so if I distance myself from compassion, I regain my confidence. I feel like, in life, I spend more time forcing myself to do the things that I do not want to do (because it's healthier for me to do what is right instead of what is desired) that I spend doing what I would like. Someday, though, I will not have to hold back. I will let go. I will fly, and be free to think and feel and say whatever I want to do. Until that time comes... I will have vodka, costumes, huge hair, and heavy makeup. When things are bad, I can always fake it (and lie when I say I am doing fine). Besides - being a hermit and throwing myself into daydream has significantly improved my acting skills. Webkinz is still not up again, and I have to get ready for work. Enjoy your day. =) - Lisa. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||