I am over this part of my life. I am over old stress being replaced with some new, bigger stress (or not being replaced, only compounded).

I am tired of being completely unsure of whether or not my emotions are where they should be, or if I've misappropriated them. I don't really think that is the word I am thinking of, but it's the word that has been in my mind - so I am going for it. I mean to say that I am tired of not knowing if my emotions are being given to those who(m?) they should be, or if they would be better placed with/on someone else. On the same note, I am tired of forbidden fruit and having 'options' that never really were.

I'm tired of having daydreams - because at the end of the day they are found to be fantasies with no possibility of coming true, unlike daydreams which could come true.

I've been second-guessing every decision I've made since 2003, or earlier. I should have done things differently in order to have more options when I finally reached this part of my life.

I do not want to re-enlist again - but (possibly) due to the previous few sentences, I feel that I have few other viable options. Of course, my lack of interest in re-enlisting could stem from my complete lack of motivation to do anything military related, for reasons I will not get into here (or right now, because I do not want to cry... and I probably would).

Diary, I am just so frustrated. I want to move on past this 'work force' part of my life and into a more domestic role. I want to have a family (or, perhaps better worded, a relationship) to occupy my time. I want to be the 'live-in girlfriend'. I want to be the 'housewife'. I am officially not good with dealing with the stresses of having a job/career - and I am getting gradually less and less good at it.

I just want to feel like I do not have to worry. I just want some sort of sign to tell me that I am doing things right - because everything I am seeing right now is telling me the opposite.

I am done with putting my hope into the impossible. I am done with reaching for the stars. I am done fighting to get caught up. I am just going to take it. I am going to accept what life gives me, whether I like it or not. I am going to take what comes, and find a way to be satisfied with it. I don't even have a dream anymore - which puts a slight damper on trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Is it too much to just want to feel protected? To just feel safe? Provided for? Content?

Apparently it is for me, according to life and what it gives me.

-Lisa.